HEY HEY HEY

I'm sooo excited! I graduate in 4 days!!!

NO more high school!

I'm excited...but at the same time...scared & sad.

I can't believe it's almost here...me graduating? WOW!

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So...I really want a guy right now :(

But it's summer...play it up, right?

Uh...I'm not sure.

I just want someone to hold & kiss & love.

I could have one...but he said I was too stubborn.

Hmmmmm....we'll see how that goes tehehe.

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I just want to have some fun cause...

Im graduating!

C:

YAY!

You found hope
You found faith
Found how fast
He could take it away
Found true love
Lost your heart
Now you don't know who you are

I'm so pathetic I think. I'm still really sad about Zac and I. Like every second I still think about him and how I want to be with him. He probably doesn't even think about me at all. I thought he loved me, but why would he do something like that to me if he actually loved me. I love him with all the slivers of my shattered heart. He told me if I didn't do what he wanted that it was done. I asked him what he meant by 'what he wanted' and he said 'anything and everything it could ever mean.' That just means that he has me on a collar...and that pisses me off. I have my own thoughts and I can't guarantee that I'm going to do everything he wants when he wants it. A relationship is about balance. There wasn't balance...it was his way...and he never did anything I wanted him to. I don't know...but I still love him so much....and still want to be with him even though he hurt me. I keep crying and wanting him back and almost call him..but then am like...I can't because then I'll be considered a psycho ex or something...and because I can't go back to that relationship. But I want to soooo bad you don't even know.

He said he was different than other guys. He said he wasn't a typical guy. I don't really know if I could totally agree with that. He got what he wanted out of me and then left. I should have never let him steal my heart cause all he did was stomp on it a million times until it was so smashed that it'll never return. I don't know if I want to ever be in a relationship again. All I will do is get hurt again. Is it worth the pain? It is if I will actually have a decent relationship...but how many heartbreaks will I have to go through to find that one? I don't know if my heart can take it. You have no idea how much I have suffered..literally. I think that it is a lot easier never to love than to be heartbroken. He was my first....and before I was very independent. I didn't think I needed someone to complicate my life, I was happy being alone and single...I could make myself happy. Now I am so deprived that I can hardly keep my head above the water. I need him. I love him. I want him. But he doesn't want me. It sucks. It hurts. I can't stand it. So I write.

No, I don't believe anything you say at all because you did everything you could to make sure that I would fall. So, me? I'm on the ground. And you? You're out the door. So, me adn love are through. I can't take this anymore. So be glad that you have broken me. I was just a girl, and you were just a boy, but you were my whole world.

Maybe we never really had anything, maybe everyone is right, and it's just in my mind. But even if this is the case, I still think of you as something special. You were my first love, the first guy that really hurt me.

so im single now.

fuck that.

I hate it.

I want him back.

....kinda.

he told me if I didn't do what he wanted that we were over.

is that fair?

prolly not.

my heart hurts....its broken.

but I still love him with ALL my heart.

always && forever.

I want to kiss him and feel the warmthof his hand.

&& lay with him and listen to his heartbeat.

&& see the love he posesses in his big blue eyes.

awwww i miss him.

but should I?

idk.

i wish that our love was enough.

:(

Im so so sooooo excited! It is spring which makes me extra happy...its my favorite season!! And to top it off it is 65 degrees outside...sooo warm! It just makes me oober happy! Then it is also spring break whoo hoo! So no school for the next week - glorious!!!

Graduation is coming fast! We graduate on May 30th. It makes me sad and happy at the same time. I just want school to be done with, but then its been ME for the last how many years and Im going to miss it. Especially cheerleading!!! But then again, I cant wait to start living.

So...in 11 days is my birthday! I'll be 18! I can't wait...I really want a tattoo!...maybe I will ;). If I do, I'll probably get a heart on my hip...it would be so cute!

Then prom is coming up. I dont know if I really want to go though. It is my senior year, and its a chance of a lifetime, but im debating. Well if I went, I would ask my boyfriend, but I feel bad because he graduated so I dont want him to like pay for stuff. So, I would pay for everything...which is really expensive!...cause all I would want him to do is show up and be with me...I would take care of the tux and dinner and everything. So, I dont know if i really want to do that...we'll see. Then also, I had this fling for a guy last year, and I will always have feelings for him, and he will be there because his girlfriend goes to my school. My boyfriend and him were like head-in-head to be with me last year, and it would be weird for all three of us to be there together. I dont know what I would do if I saw him with his girlfriend there....ughhhh. I really want to get all dressed up...but I dont want to dance...I just really dont know...hmmmm.

But anywayz...Its the best time of the year! I loveeeeeeeee it! I think that I will go running later tonight...it just refreshes me...and makes me very happy! Oh yes, I also got an email address FINALLY! It is...kaylamarie466@hotmail.com if anyone would like to talk to me!

Love yas,
Kay

SOOOO....

GUESS WHAT! GUESS WHAT! GUESS WHAT!

Today we had regionals for my competitive cheerleading team..and we ARE GOING TO STATE!!! Im sooo excited..you dont even know!!! I was soo nervous..and we got 2nd so we are going to state! State Championships are next weekend...wish me and my team mates luck!! Im just so ecstatic! whoo hooo!

-kay